Monday, July 03, 2006
Ok, so here’s the thing, I have a smoking problem in my home and it’s driving me nuts! I’ve been living in this house with a periodic smoker for a little over a year now, periodic because weeks or months will go by without the smoking. But then there will be days of nonstop chain huffing!
Some days I can barely breathe out of my nose from all the second hand smoke! So why the hell do I put up with it you ask? I can feel the hint of irritation in your voice, after all I’m a grown up and can ask that the smoking be done outside can’t I? Well… actually no, I can’t ask this particular smoker to take their nasty habit to the porch, and this is the problem.
The smoker in my home is unseen and so is the smoke! “What, are you high?” you may ask. That’s none of your business, but no, I’m not high; and I’m not delusional either, nor am I the only victim of second hand smoke in this “exhausted” household! There are three of us putting up with this phantom imbiber of the lit leaf.
So how are we to deal with this invisible but caustic pollutant? I honestly don’t know. I’m at a loss here. I’ve done a lot of passive smoking in my lifetime; I bartended and sang in night clubs throughout the years of my misspent youth, but this is ridiculous and goes beyond the pale of any smoking etiquette that I’m aware of.
So what the hell is it? A ghost maybe, an overlapping dimension perhaps or has there been a cosmic fold in time, what? Should it be an inter-dimensional entity or even a spook, what can be done about it? If this erstwhile tobacco puffing person could be made aware of my discomfort (and mass consumption of sinus tablets) would it be inclined to quit or at least try the patch or nicotine-gum?
I’ve tried talking to it and I’ve even (ironically) tried smudging it out, but no surcease of the acrid house smog! Even my Ionic Breeze doesn’t help.
The present owner of the house hasn’t smoked in twenty years and knows nothing of the previous owners, but I suppose it could be the return of the spirit of a deceased inhabitant.
It isn't smoke blowing in from the outside, in fact if you go directly out the door all you can smell is the warm sea air with the sweet perfume of the jasmine and roses growing in the garden; come back into the house though and its like a bachelor party in high gear! Not only that, but I live in a quiet neighborhood and my house is 50 yards from the nearest house. In any case there are no smokers on the entire block!
Even now, while writing this squib, the odor plumes of smoke waft by my face in acrid unseen puffs.
Time for another sinus tablet…